I want another baby

The problem is, I already have two beautiful children, which is more than I should have made, given the state of the world these days. And, then there is the money, or lack thereof. And, whether we would have enough time for all the children. And, what no one else ever says, what if the next one is a dud? I mean, really, we have two great ones, could we win the genetic lottery three times? Oh, and I haven't really gotten an answer from Eric yet. I should probably let him weigh in.

I love having babies. I love being pregnant, I love getting them all tiny and new. I love holding them 24 hours a day. Seriously, Claudia is still in our bed at eleven months because I can't bear the thought yet of her across the hall in her room, all alone.

Megan and I were talking about what we feel is the intoxicating stage of motherhood to an infant. I said that I thought that it was like falling in love in high school. I used to imagine what it would be like if we were together, my breath would (still does) catch at the sight of them, I felt (feel) painfully inadequate.

Megan said that she thought that it was much more like Christmas when she was a child: she would wait for it all year, or in the case of children, for 35 years, she imagined how great it would be, and then she would blink and it was gone. Suddenly, Evelyn is eight.

So what is the answer? An SAT analogy? Something: something:: motherhood: what?

With Emily my adoration was tempered by a constant fear that took so much energy. I worried that she would die of SIDS, I worried that I would wake up and her existance would have all been a dream, I worried that my constant worry was the only thing keeping her safely here. Well, she has now made it to the ripe old age of 3 1/2 and I have given up much of my worry.

With Claudia there is nothing in the way of my being totally in love with her every moment of the day. Well, except the laundry, housecleaning, and impending dinner to be made, but I have learned to just let those things go. Eric has not.

All this and just yesterday I was upset about not geting to use the bathroom alone. I guess that is the true essence of what motherhood is.